OTTAWA – The Canadian Department of Veterans Affairs has finally released a major study regarding the effects of posttraumatic convoy cock disorder (PTCCD) that former members of the Canadian forces have been lobbying hard to be recognized for what they call their, “silent shame”.
The 4 inch study found that soldiers who had been transported over long distances by military transport trucks called MLVW’s had been susceptible to a known physiological disorder that effects the male soldiers autonomic nervous system and the endocrine system, which then lead to highly uncomfortable arousal or “erection” like symptom. The majority of soldier’s referred to the physiological disorder as “convoy cock”.
“After we finished that two hour road move to Petersville from Gagetown, I couldn’t get up out of my seat without the others guys noticing my convoy cock, I was embarrassed”, expressed a sorrowful Canadian Forces soldier who wished to remain anonymous.
High-ranking Canadian military officials have been reportedly aware of convoy cock disorder for over 100 years. PTCCD was first noted during long wagon rides in the Northwest rebellion against rebel Métis leader Louis Riel in 1885. However, with the advent of technology in the 1970’s, Canadian defence manufacturer Bombardier was awarded a contract to create a new transport truck, which replaced the militaries older fleet of wagons. The MLVW’s slightly higher speed than a horse drawn cart, could sometimes reportedly reach speeds of up to 80km per hour on a down hill slope. The MLVW's moderately higher speed combined with a deadly wooden troop bench helped create a vibration that stimulated the male soldier’s anus, thus becoming a recipe for disaster and harbinger of soldierly shame.
Some former soldiers also claim that they were intimidated by superiors when raising their concerns for the health and safety along with confusion of their sexual stimuli. “They (junior corporals) would make all these jokes about their PTCCD, it was like something to be proud of, I think they got off on it”, said Neil Corty, a now unemployed Cape Bretoner and former soldier who generally avoided work at all costs, gave smokes to Snr NCO's to curry favour and told stories of that usually reflected one-upmanship.
A former member of an Canadian armoured regiment also came forward to talk of his experience with PTCCD, “I’m not a homo, but I had a boner in the back of truck with soldiers dressed in camouflage fatigues and that made me feel gay and ashamed and I had nobody to turn to...did I mention I wasn't a homo”.
Veterans Affairs have opened a 1-800 hotline that accepts VISA and Mastercard to assist soldiers in the healing process from the emotional scars that have been inflicted by PTCCD.
