Coincidental Dream Infidelity Causes Loss Of Girlfriend

VICTORIA, BC –Marv Halburt lost his girlfriend this weekend to a case of coincidental dream infidelity. Marv’s girlfriend, Claire Jamiston reportedly had a dream that he had had an affair with another woman. However further suspicion was cast when a fellow co-worker of Halburt's, Pete Marmen reportedly shared a similar dream, which also loosely described Marv as having an affair with another woman.

“Initially I thought Claire's dream was funny because she claimed I had to sleep with this other women so I could obtain the World Wrestling Heavyweight Championship Belt. I don’t even watch wrestling,” explained Marv. “Then when Pete from IT mentioned to me that the very same night he had a dream about me having an affair, I was like, wow! That was pretty weird, especially the part about Pete naked-wrestling Sean Penn in vat of whipped cream…which I could really could have lived without knowing. Anyways it was pretty freaky with the whole similar dream thing, as Pete and Claire don’t even really even know each other. It just made the whole thing even funnier."

Marv thought the dreams were amusing however he was totally unaware of the reality-based repercussions of the coincidental dreams. Marv had naively informed Claire about Pete Marmen’s dreams, thinking they were harmless and merely "just dreams."

"It's just the whole coincidence of it, you know the wrestling thing,” claimed Marv. However Claire grew suspicious because Marv had seemingly evaded the affair part of the dream described it as a, “whatever.”

Immediately following Claire's suspicions, she then received a text message from Pete regarding his concerns over Marv evading the affair issue within the dream. With regards to the text message, Marmen explained,“Marv seemed rather shocked when I told him about me being naked with Sean Penn. However when I pressed about the affair question, he looked at me as though he had been caught red handed ...and I felt his guilt” said Marmen. “I thought Claire should know. She’s a really good person with a great sense of female intuition for spiritual truths,” said Marmen. “Also, from what Marv has told me, she likes Obama, and I love Obama. I think we have a soul connection because of that”.

Claire, a self-described new age spiritual believer consulted Marmen along with her psychic advisor, Yolanda, about the dream. “I needed Pete and Yolanda to validate the truth about the dream because I can never be sure enough about my own feelings,” expressed Claire. Yolanda told her that a dark cloud could be seen in her future and further suspected unresolved issues with her father. Pete quickly judged from the psychic reading that Marv was clearly having a real affair within both thier dreams. “As Yolanda cleared Claire’s Viśuddha or throat charka, I felt a sense of dread being channeled through Claire's body,” said a visibly shaken Pete Marmen.

Following the psychic reading Claire had succumbed to her worst fears claiming, “I felt that Marv was having an affair with another women so he could claim the WWE Heavyweight championship”. Claire then burst into tears exclaiming, “How could he dream betray me! I trusted him with the feelings in my dreams!”

Pete also had concerns about Marv’s behavior within his dream, “sometimes I wouldn’t see Marv at all during my dream. I suppose he could have slipped out with that other women while I was naked-wrestling Sean Penn. However what’s important now is that Claire needs my support in this emotional time.” Pete then gently embraced Claire in an embrace of solidarity. “I feel like he lied to me too”, exclaimed Pete as he attempted to hold back tears.

Marv was shocked to here Claire’s accusation of infidelity, “I wasn’t too sure if she was joking with me or not. I mean I know she kind of has this ungrounded spiritual side that I try my best to tolerate, but I have dreams of flying in the sky, flesh eating vampires and all kinds of crazy ass shit, yet I don’t go around thinking it’s real after I wake up. Most importantly, I’ve never cheated on Claire much less thought about it.” I mean how can I? She keeps on checking up with me everyday. She demanded access to my emails and cell phone at the beginning of our relationship and I gladly complied, as I didn't want to cause any mistrust between us”. Claire was not persuaded by Marv’s pleas though. “Claire should get away from his double dealing toungue immediately, before we dream this again and he hurts us with his further cheating ways”, claimed Pete Marmen.

Although Marv is now heartbroken and generally confused about the situation, he feels this breakup will be better in the long term. “If it’s dream infidelity now, what’s it’s going to be next week, magical voices that tell her tap water is evil and we can only drink urine? Her and that rat bastard Pete can go drink fairy urine together in his parents basement as far I'm concerned".

Claire and Pete have claimed that their shared dream is demonstration of past life soul connections. They plan to deepen thier connection by beginning a Facebook page supporting US Democratic candidate Barak Obama's run for President, calling it "Canadians for Obama: Yes We Are."

“Obama believes in dreams too,” claimed Claire, “ and he will lead us to the Promised Land. I know because I had a dream about it." Pete later claimed to have also had the same dream.

Moral Positioning System (MPS): Leading You To Higher Ground One Step At A Time

TORONTO – Researchers from Moral Heights University located in the center of the universe have developed the MPS or Moral Positioning System to replace the older Moral Compass.

“It’s a break through, or as we prefer to say, a new step to a change towards a more superior and clearer moral destination”, claimed university researcher and MPS designer Norman Warmy.

Warmy explained that advances in technology have allowed humans to find moral ground much easier than in the past. The MPS functions by using military satellites, which employ Infra Red tracking of heat signatures. These satellites can now be converted to track human energy which emits from immoral thoughts or behavior. However, the MPS system requires the person as the link your bodies’ energy emissions to the satellite.

The researchers (or creators as they prefer to be addressed as) of the MPS further claimed their device is unparalleled achieving accuracy compared to the older Moral Compass. “Please allow me to explain since the majority of your readers will be below me on the subject of quantum morality”, explained Warmy. "The older moral compass that most people associate with had the flaw of human error. Humans unlike Warmy and my fellow students or graduates of Moral Heights University can be flawed and inferior in their thinking in terms of good and bad morality. The MPS will now tell you what is moral or not, thus eliminating the chance of unmoral activity or thoughts. The older moral compass allowed the person…or individual to decide for themselves what was immoral or not, and in this day and age that would be morally unacceptable.”

The MPS can also set way points to moralizing, especially when dealing with difficult situations. The directions of G for good, B for bad, W for wrong and R for right will remain the standard directions as they were with the moral compass. “Good Bad and Right Wrong will always guide us”, further explained Warmy. "There’s only one standard of right and wrong and those have been created by me, and I have programmed those parameters into the MPS."

The MPS also has an audible alarm which will allow you to know if you’ve gone off the path of moral decency. "How can you go bad or wrong when an audible alarm alerts to your improper morality. The MPS can take the stressful effects of thinking away and decide for you. Now that’s peace of mind”, said a joyful Warmy.

The creators at Moral Heights University have also claimed to have “cracked the code”, to quantum morality which clearly entitles the creators to the status of a higher state of evolved consciousness better than the average human being. The creators reportedly worked for endless hours in what they called there “Hall of Solitude”, a university lab devoid of any human contact or ideas with the outside world which they credited to discovered the secret code which enables simple human beings to follow the programming of the MPS.

“This is not just a random philosophy we constructed and a set of laws for human beings to follow, there was mathematical equation involved. However you must be morally intelligent to understand it, kind of like Einstein was with reactivity. So just allow us do the math. Were just more gifted and far more qualified than the average human to solve these problems”, further exclaimed Warmy in an air of moral confidence.

Some critics have been quick to judge the MPS though, “I don’t like the idea of a little box thinking for me, morality isn’t a math equation, and it’s not about a rigid set of rules, it’s about finding out your own answers”, said John Galtson. However, Warmy disagrees, “morality is a mathematical equation of quantumness and as I am its creator, it is in fact a perfect equation with no fault. The MPS answers all.”

Caleb McTab a self proclaimed human rights activist and recent university dropout thinks that there should be a test for morality. “Those who don’t pass should have a MPS surgically implanted into their brains. It would be great to have people thinking more like me, moral and on the high ground that is...and stop the torture of innocents in Iraq", said McTab.

Warmy would like to see the MPS placed at the town centers and eventually within every home throughout the world. As Warmy would say, “the world would be such a proper place to live.” as he yet again referenced himself from the third person perspective.

The MPS is not yet available for the public as it is undergoing further testing on university student’s union’s board members throughout North America and Europe.

Shocking Study Released: PTCCD

OTTAWA – The Canadian Department of Veterans Affairs has finally released a major study regarding the effects of posttraumatic convoy cock disorder (PTCCD) that former members of the Canadian forces have been lobbying hard to be recognized for what they call their, “silent shame”.

The 4 inch study found that soldiers who had been transported over long distances by military transport trucks called MLVW’s had been susceptible to a known physiological disorder that effects the male soldiers autonomic nervous system and the endocrine system, which then lead to highly uncomfortable arousal or “erection” like symptom. The majority of soldier’s referred to the physiological disorder as “convoy cock”.

“After we finished that two hour road move to Petersville from Gagetown, I couldn’t get up out of my seat without the others guys noticing my convoy cock, I was embarrassed”, expressed a sorrowful Canadian Forces soldier who wished to remain anonymous.

High-ranking Canadian military officials have been reportedly aware of convoy cock disorder for over 100 years. PTCCD was first noted during long wagon rides in the Northwest rebellion against rebel Métis leader Louis Riel in 1885. However, with the advent of technology in the 1970’s, Canadian defence manufacturer Bombardier was awarded a contract to create a new transport truck, which replaced the militaries older fleet of wagons. The MLVW’s slightly higher speed than a horse drawn cart, could sometimes reportedly reach speeds of up to 80km per hour on a down hill slope. The MLVW's moderately higher speed combined with a deadly wooden troop bench helped create a vibration that stimulated the male soldier’s anus, thus becoming a recipe for disaster and harbinger of soldierly shame.

Some former soldiers also claim that they were intimidated by superiors when raising their concerns for the health and safety along with confusion of their sexual stimuli. “They (junior corporals) would make all these jokes about their PTCCD, it was like something to be proud of, I think they got off on it”, said Neil Corty, a now unemployed Cape Bretoner and former soldier who generally avoided work at all costs, gave smokes to Snr NCO's to curry favour and told stories of that usually reflected one-upmanship.

A former member of an Canadian armoured regiment also came forward to talk of his experience with PTCCD, “I’m not a homo, but I had a boner in the back of truck with soldiers dressed in camouflage fatigues and that made me feel gay and ashamed and I had nobody to turn to...did I mention I wasn't a homo”.

Veterans Affairs have opened a 1-800 hotline that accepts VISA and Mastercard to assist soldiers in the healing process from the emotional scars that have been inflicted by PTCCD.

No Joy In Mudville As Steriod Chicken Strikes Out

SAN DIEGO — San Diego Padres mascot, the Chicken, has tested positive for illegal performance-enhancing drugs. In a press conference on Wednesday with Padres General Manager Kevin Towers the San Diego chicken gave a tearful apology to his fans.

"I was wrong for doing that stuff," the Chicken told reporters on Wednesday before his mascoteering duties prior a game. "What we should have done a long time ago was stand up — mascots, ownership, everybody — and said: 'We made a mistake.'

"We should have apologized back then and made sure we had a rule in place and gone forward. … Steroids and all of that was a part of history. But it was a topic that everybody wanted to avoid. Nobody wanted to talk about it."

The chicken said Wednesday he's thankful for Major League Baseball’s (MLB) steroid and amphetamine testing program that was revised before last season. MLB does not test for HGH, but the chicken said he does not use the drug, either illegally or with a doctor's prescription.

"Unfortunately, (the rumors) are going to be a part of it. But that's OK. I'm probably tested more than anybody else. I'm not hiding anything," said the chicken. "That stuff didn't help me make the crowd cheer louder. I don't care what people say, nothing is going to give you that gift of making a crowd appluad my pantomime hijinks or Charo the kissing bandits attempts to kiss me while I hump her leg on the first base line."

It was noted by San Diego Padres fans that the chicken's breasts of recent had appeared seemingly plumper and tender. United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) officials are considering laying charges on the San Diego Chicken as US Federal regulations strictly prohibit the use of hormones or steroids in poultry.

Nuclear Watchdogs Think You Look Tasty

Happy New Years to all of the 97 visitors to this blog, most of which are really just me showing it to other people. That aside it's back to the grind of cynicism.

When I came across this article I could'nt help but to visualize what a real nuclear "mutated" watchdog would look like.

Whales With Santa Hats: The Next Threat To Freedom?

Whales in Santa Hats and 50 calibre machine guns mounted on cruise ships? This is not test of the emergency Good Ideas and Noble Intentions warning system. Beware, this one is all over the place.

Permalink:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=503232&in_page_id=1811

Canadian PM Allegedy Appoints Imaginary Penguin Creature

Ottawa - Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has allegedly appointed an imaginary penguin like creature to whisper secret conservative agendas into his head. The penguin like creature, not considered to be an indigenous species of Canada reportedly wears a green and white toque with matching bib.

Some suspect the penguin like creature may be some type of a bizzaro elf of the South Pole or possibly an attempt of Brazilian espionage. Regardless of the best speculative opinion, Prime Minister Harper waddled off the podium following the press conference. It is suspected the imaginary penguin recommended the waddle.

Celestial Violence In The Universe: How Do We Protect Our Children?

Violence is something we must deal with as species on this earth. However, when it comes to violence in the celestial bodies and cosmic gases of the universe, how do we as parents protect our childern?

Permalink:

http://www.cbc.ca/technology/story/2007/12/17/science-black-hole.html

But Ummm...Didn't You Just Do That...

Don't get me the wrong way, I have nothing against helping people or charity. IMO its what makes the west the best. However, somewhere in a little city called Vancouver, good ideas and noble intentions are abound...

"Last year, Stormtech and the mission gave out 3,000 jackets to attendees at their annual Christmas dinners, which are open to everyone.

The problem, Vernon explained, was the many people who came back for second and thirds helpings - of food and jackets.

The mission hopes to avoid a repeat this year by not announcing the jacket giveaway."

Call me a unmeducated simpiliton, however, if you want to keep a low profile about your charitable plans, doesn't a well thought out news story before kind of defeat the purpose?

Permalink:
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/Canada/2007/12/16/4727510-cp.html

BOB on the FOB

I had this website forwarded to me through a friend. After the laughter died down I had to place a link to it here. Bob, you have encapsulated the type of person I must deal with in the military (the reason why I founded this blog) on a daily basis. I used to have a variation of the good ideas fairy called the common sense fairy. I always wanted that little fairy it to spread its magic pixie dust over the leadership. However, the common sense fairies natural habitat was eliminated in much the same way some as good ideas and noble intentions were implemented to Yellowstone National Park Here. Bob (Albert) for your excellent observation and soldierly sense of humour, I salute you! All Hail Bob!!!